There are specific issues that significantly affect the wellbeing of individuals and aren’t widely spoken about. One of such issues concerns complicated mother-daughter relationships.
I recently completed a book series titled ‘Marta’s Legacy’. The book series is fictional. Francine Rivers wrote it, and it tells a story of a complicated mother-daughter relationship and the effects. I loved reading it because it addresses deeply rooted issues in the family setting.
Marta was a product of a toxic family setting. Marta’s father verbally and physically abused his family members. Marta stored up a lot of rage and resentment from her past. Unfortunately for her first daughter, Hildie, Marta took out all the anger from her past on Hildie.
At this stage, I’d like to say that if you have a loving and peaceful relationship with your mother, you are blessed! A lot of people would do anything for such.
Until we talk about such issues and find a solution, we are likely to continue the cycle.
Jesus is truly the “balm of Gilead” for all the hurting people of the world.
I have a few things to say, but first of all, I want you to understand that any difficult/toxic relationship is not God’s will for your life. If we don’t identify this issue as abnormal, then there can never be a solution. I have been in settings where a person attempts to bring up a conversation about such a problem, and they are shut down because everyone considers it normal. No! It is not normal for constant friction to exist between a mother and daughter. The home should be a safe space and not a war zone.
There is more in the balm to heal than there is in guilt to wound; for there is more in grace to save than there is in sin to destroy.”J.C Philpot (1852)
When I posted the book mentioned above on Instagram, I got quite a response from a few ladies admitting to having a problematic relationship with their mothers. I find it very saddening!
Secondly, there are two things I’d like to mention, based on my observation from the book series. I believe these two reasons are the primary foundations of complicated mother-daughter relationships. (The list is not exhaustive; It could be anything!).
- Most of the time, the issues between mothers and daughters stem from projection from the mother’s side. When a mother finds it difficult to deal with the problems she may have faced in life, she tends to project her fears, trauma, hurts, insecurities and regrets on the daughter.
So, if you find yourself in such a relationship, most of the time, there is nothing wrong with you; your mother may just be projecting things she has not been able to deal with. Marta was dealing with a lot of hurts from her past, and poor Hildie became the scapegoat. Hildie wasn’t able to deal with her pain, and unfortunately for her daughter, Carolyn, she took out all her hurt on her. Thankfully, Carolyn and her daughter Dawn brought about change to the pattern of dysfunction in their lineage.
- A clash of personalities seems to be another reason for complicated relationships. You may have a strong personality, and your mother is the exact opposite. Apart from that, the Lord has made every one of us unique; hence we can’t agree on the same things all the time.
Most parents want their children to live their dreams or become a replica of them which isn’t Biblical because the only image we are to conform to is that of Christ. Each one of us has a unique personality and purpose.
It is common to consider the other party as intolerant or brutal whenever there is a clash of personality. Marta had a powerful personality; meanwhile, Hildie was very gentle and peace-loving. Marta was ambitious and dreamt of travelling around the world. Hildie wanted to be a nurse. She didn’t want to walk on the same path her mother walked. As a result of this, Marta refused to sponsor Hildie to nursing school. Her refusal caused a lot of friction between both of them.
I have also found that some mothers and daughters with the same personality clash. So, it isn’t restricted to different personalities. Children are most times mirrors of their parents. As human beings, we tend to be very mean to people when they reflect the things we hate the most of ourselves. I know it sounds uncomfortable, but take time out to form your conclusion on this matter, and be very honest with yourself.
Whenever these foundations are present, it leads to more complicated issues in mother-daughter relationships. It’s like a multiplying effect. This is the stage when they become emotionally dismissive, controlling, overly critical, passively aggressive, manipulative and very disrespectful to each other. The list is not exhaustive.
All the traits mentioned above are very toxic and not from God. The good news is that there is healing available to everyone. Jesus is not untouched by your feelings or your struggles. He understands, and he knows exactly what you’re going through. The enemy comes into our lives to steal, kill and destroy. He knows how much the fruitfulness of our relationships will glorify God, and so he tries to attack our relationships on all sides. However, glory be to God; Jesus came so we can have life and have it in abundance. The life given to us penetrates every angle of our lives; including our relationships.
For everyone with a broken relationship who desires to heal, there is a balm in Gilead with healing in his wings. Cry out to him. Jesus heals completely.
The book series by Francine Rivers gave me a more in-depth understanding of complicated relationships. The series started with dysfunction but ended with reconciliation and healing. I found that very remarkable. This series was written based on real-life events which made it more relatable. I recommend the series, and I hope you are blessed just as I was.
I am praying for everyone with a broken relationship. May the Lord bring healing to your relationships in the Name of Jesus!
I’d also like to know; Do you have a very good relationship with your mother or daughter? Has it always been like that? Can you leave some practical tips on how to maintain a healthy mother-daughter relationship?
Comments are welcome from everyone. Thank you for stopping by!!
Have an amazing evening.